HAYLEE MATECKO

Gossip Girl’s Serena Van Der Woodsen once said, “If your whole life is falling apart, then rebuild it.” – This is a perfect representation of resilience. Resilience is being able to pull yourself back up when everything is pushing you down, or to rebuild your life when it’s falling apart. Seven major attributes that affect resiliency include emotional regulation, impulse control, optimism, causal analysis, empathy, self-efficacy, and courage (reaching out).

 

A score of negative six in emotional regulation took me by surprise. I thought that at this point in my life, I had become much more emotionally stable than earlier years. I was honestly embarrassed when I saw our class results, because I was the only person even below an eight – and I was far below that. I definitely need to improve in this area.

 

My impulse control score of 6 was fairly good compared to the average. I think my indecisiveness can be attributed to this, because I often can’t make decisions based on my first reaction for fear of being wrong. Due to this, I often think too long about things, therefore am far from impulsive.

 

An average score in the optimism category didn’t surprise me too much, because I know I’m not the most positive person in the world, but I’m also not the most negative. I find the beauty in most things; however I am much harder on myself, which is where the negativity comes in to play.

 

A high average causal analysis score of six was interesting, because I know that I think often about the way things work, but didn’t realize that I applied that thinking skill to my everyday life. For instance, I love watching the show “How It’s Made”, but I didn’t realize the reason was because I’m interested in the way things work.

 

Additionally, a high average empathy score was not a surprise because empathy is one of my strengths and something I have always found to come natural to me. It is easy for me to see the way other people are feeling about something or what they are thinking, and I can often give beneficial advice based off of this ability to empathize.

 

Unfortunately I am pretty hard on myself, so seeing a self-efficacy score of negative two was not a surprise. At the same time, the score made me angry with myself for being so pathetic I’d get that bad of a score, thus decreasing my self-efficacy even further. This entire scenario perfectly demonstrates my need to improve in self-efficacy. I am ridiculously hard on myself, to the point where an A isn’t good enough because I didn’t get an A+. It’s hard for me to believe in myself and I know that I need to do some serious improvement in this category.

 

Furthermore, my courage (reaching out) score of negative eleven was no surprise but saddening. I am not a very outspoken person – I tend to be more reserved with my opinions, and it takes me longer to get up the courage to talk to others than it does for most people. I prefer to stay quiet and listen, especially in situations such as class or other assemblies. I need to improve this, because I will not be successful in life by being introverted. Reaching out and trying new things is how we grow as people.

 

It should be fun to try something new. Joining a new organization, learning a new skill, and making new friends – it seems so enjoyable. But what happens when it's harder than you thought? Sometimes that "fun" new thing turns into a nightmare of stress, fear, and pressure slowly building up and piling on itself, putting you in a situation you never thought you would have to endure. Ernest Hemingway once said, “The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places”. Being strong at the broken places demonstrates resilience, and that was exactly what I had to be.

 

"Haylee! What are you doing?!" My instructor, Sammy, yelled at me as I dropped my flag for the 20th time in five minutes. I swore under my breath, angry at myself, and mumbled an inaudible response.

 

"Are you going to answer me?" he demanded.

 

"I don't know... I wasn't thinking," I repeated a little louder.

 

"Well start thinking!"

 

I sighed as I got ready for the next repetition of fundamentals on flag. It was my first day of summer guard camp, and I was already on the verge of tears. Was this how color guard was going to be? An insane beating to every bone in your body, along with a constant drone of everything you do wrong repeated back at you followed by the harsh consequences? I can't handle that. I'm not strong enough, I thought, mentally or physically.

 

After what felt like the millionth rep, we got a somewhat lengthy break. Veronica, the captain, came over to where I was practicing.

 

"Hey girl. I don't want you to stress, okay? It'll be fine. Eventually you'll get the hang of it. I promise," she said reassuringly.

 

I nodded, beginning to feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. I tried to quickly blink them back as I attempted a smile, embarrassed at my lack of emotional regulation.

 

"Oh, please don't cry!" Veronica exclaimed with empathy in her voice. "I know how you feel. I was there. Two years ago, I was just like you. I stressed, I cried, and I was angry with myself every time I wasn't perfect. Heck, I'm still just like that! But the difference is that now, I can do everything I used to stress about with no problem. You know why?" I shook my head. "Because I stuck with it. I didn't quit. I kept going. And you know, I see a lot of myself in you. So I just want you to keep going. Eventually, you'll get there. Okay?" she smiled, wiping the last of the tears off my face.

 

"Thanks Veronica," I sniffled. For the rest of the five minutes I practiced, I remembered Veronica's encouraging words. I remembered them for the next five days of camp, the next five weeks of summer, the next five months of marching season, and the whole rest of the year. To this day, I still remember them.

 

I became something in guard I never thought I would. I became skilled at what I struggled with for so long. The things that gave me more stress than I ever thought possible became second nature. Guard developed into my escape from stress instead of the cause of it. The people, including Veronica, became some of my very best friends, continuing to help me become better every day.

Yet, out of all the positive comments I'd received, the uplifting, wise words from Veronica still rang in my head: "Keep going. Eventually, you'll get there."

 

And you know what?

 

Eventually, I did.